How I Measure...

Today as I was mopping the floors at the gym I was haunted by the idea that at some point I am going to have to confront the woman who measured me against others, against society, never against who I really was. That thought led me to thinking even further: how do we measure ourselves when it comes to success?
I wrote a list of things that I felt that made me successful. Among some of those things...I'm honest, I don't cheat, steal or lie. I've learned to love impossible people, that hate is a word that doesn't fit into my vocabulary and (according to my dad) I do what I say I'm going to do. when I sat back a reread the rest of my list I realized that my list itself, and the fact that I could write one about myself is a success.

You see, I've made a lot of money and never got ahead. I woke up early, worked hard, went to bed late. I've made sacrifices and excuses and I still felt like I was looking for me somewhere inside the expectations of success that others had for me.
So I moved. I struggle with having enough money. I have no local family (though I inherited one), I have no boyfriend, no kids--but I've done what my heart called for. I've done everything I wrote in my journals I would do. I'm here, sitting in my very own apartment in beautiful Vermont. I've grown into my skin and grown to love myself for me and not what I dreamed I should be. I'm a writer....a writer who has the guts to write a memoir but is scared shitless of how the people involved will receive it--but I'm doing it...I'm honoring myself by living my by own standards and not that of others.

I feel I am a walking success story--it may not be what others wanted for me, and I may not make enough money or have material possessions, but I'm me...that's awesome!